The Best Bar and Nightclubs Jokes Ever

Having a boring day at the office or at uni, daydreaming about which bars or nightclubs you will be heading to this weekend? If so here is a few bar and nightclub jokes to break up the mediocrity of the daily grind. 

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 5 double shots. The bartender, a little surprised lines up the glasses and pours them out, assuming his mates are just round the corner. The man then, calm as a coma, knocks each shot back one after the other. The bartenders, amazed by this feat of drinking turns to the man and goes “that’s a big effort.” The man replies “you would drink quickly too if you had what I’ve got.” Curiously the bartender asks “what have you got mate” to which the man replies “no money.” 

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink and asks the bartender how much? The bartender replies “no charge” 

A man, after having 27 drinks at a nightclub decides to head home, grabs his car keys and heads to the car park. Struggling to walk, he finally gets to his car, takes him 3 goes to get the keys into the ignition, reverses into the car park wall and drives straight through the boom gate. Realising his wife is at home waiting for him, a decides to drive as fast as possible, swerving across the road erratically. A police car see’s this and pulls him over. The copper asks the man “mate do you know how fast you were going?” The man replies “How the fuck would I know, I’ve just had 27 drinks.” 

A rabbi, a sheik and a priest all walk into a bar together holding hands singing “hari-krishna.” The bartender says to them “what is this some kind of bad joke?” 

A penguin walks into a bar and with a sense of urgency asks the bar man “sir have you seen my brother, he’s missing and I can’t find him” to which the bar man replies “what does he look like?” 

A man walks into a bar, and furiously yells ”all bouncer’s are assholes!!!” A man at the end of the bar stands up, slams his drink on the bar and yells “you better fucking take that back.” Shocked, the man says “why, are you a bouncer?” to which he replies “no… I’m an asshole.” 

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, How is this possible? The guy says “I’m the designated decoy” 

By Nastasia Campanella For www.barsandnightclubs.com.au

How To Give Up Alcohol

Stop Drinking!

Dear Friend,

I remember the night like it happened yesterday.

It was the summer of 2003 and I was on the top-deck of a famous London double-decker bus after a long night of drinking.

Without warning... I suddenly felt VERY sick to my stomach.

I raced to the bottom of the bus to get off as quickly as I could.

Unfortunately, I didn't make it and I ended up vomiting all over the bus!

I still remember the look of disgust on the faces of the passengers.

It was THE MOST Humiliating Night of My Life!

I remember waking up the next morning feeling completely ashamed and embarrassed about what happened the night before.

It was at that point I realized that if I didn't stop or at least control my drinking... my life would continue to be a mess or even get worse!

The problem was, I couldn't afford to pay for expensive counseling. And I refused to go to AA because I didn't want to label myself an alcoholic.

So I went on a personal mission and spent a ton of time at the library... reading every single book I could find on how to stop drinking.

Through a lot of research and desperate searching, I was able to find 5 different experts who gave me techniques I used to quit drinking.

Through a ton of trial and error; including several relapses because of heavy peer pressure...

I Finally Figured Out How to Stop Drinking

These days, I don't feel the urge to give in to the temptations that used to overwhelm me.

I've become more confident when I go to clubs or bars because I just don't have the urge to drink any longer.

I no longer worry that I can't get through a night without a drink.

I no longer spend as much money drinking, so I have more money to spend on other things

I have more energy and feel more healthy than before because I'm no longer poisoning my body with alcohol.

Even to this day, I can socialize and have fun without needing to rely on alcohol as a crutch anymore.

It's such a great feeling.

My life became SO much BETTER when I was FINALLY able to stop drinking altogether... using a few simple secrets I'd like to share with you now.

After several years of trial and error and finally figuring it out... I'm going to lay out the exact directions you need to follow if you want to quit drinking as well.

Control Your Drinking and Your Life Instantly Improves

There's no doubt that excessive drinking can lead to relationship problems, health problems, family concerns, work issues, and a lot more negative things.

But when you're no longer a "slave" to alcohol, you immediately see improvements in ALL areas of your life.

Your relationships improve. Your work improves.

Your health improves. Your LIFE improves.

Something magical happens when you're able to control your drinking because now you can focus on improving other areas of your life.

Maybe you want to start a new business, or find that special person you want to meet and spend your life with, or get that job promotion you've been wanting!

Believe me, you can have ALL of this in a very short time from now, even if you're just getting started.

And now that I know exactly what it takes to stop alcohol from controlling your life and having such a negative affect, you can use my advice as a shortcut to do the same exact thing.

Let Me Ask You A Few Important Questions...

Do you feel that alcohol is controlling your life right now, or at least becoming a MAJOR distraction that's starting to negatively affect everything you do?

Do you feel that if you stopped drinking or at least CONTROLLED your drinking... things would be better for you?

Do you often find it tough to make it through the day without feeling you NEED a drink? Is the thought of drinking constantly on your mind?

Do you ever use drinking as a coping mechanism or a way to relax and de-stress... and it's something you seem to look forward to?

Are you starting to find that the more you drink... the LESS OFTEN your friends, family, and co-workers come around?

Do you feel that your drinking is starting to hurt the ones you love... or at least negatively affect your relationships with them?

Here's Just a Sample Steps to Get Started

• Discover the MOST CRITICAL thing you HAVE to do if you want to stop drinking and take control of your life. Ignore this one thing and you'll be a slave to alcohol forever
• Learn the revolutionary Japanese psychology technique that will help you to control or quit drinking FAST!
• Find out how to use copy and model past readers who have successfully stopped drinking... so you can stop as well!
• The proven philosophy I've discovered and use to help people to stop drinking faster than ANY other method they've ever used!
• Find out what Morita Therapy is and why it can help you stop allowing alcohol to have such a control on your life.
• Discover a TON of useful tips for responsible drinking you can use so that ANY time and ANY where you go... even if there's alcohol present, you can feel confident that you won't give in to the urges
• Find out the proven method that a former alcoholic used to give up alcohol, once and for all
• Find out the easiest way to deal with alcohol cravings and the urge to drink... so you know exactly how to control them
• Learn how using Self-Hypnosis (included with this course) can help you overcome your alcohol issues faster and easier than ANYTHING ELSE you try
• Discover how you can STILL enjoy a fun and active social life, without the urge to use alcohol.
• Learn more about a method I call "Brain Fitness" and how it can actually help to REVERSE the damage caused by alcohol!
• Find out the clinically proven approach (called CBT) can help you deal with the underlying causes of you drinking and can actually help you stop drinking quicker than anything else you do!
• The powerful secret technique I used to stop my drinking in an instant. I got lucky by applying it unconsciously and now, you can learn in an instant how to change your life by quitting drinking
• Easy to use techniques to quickly take control of your drinking - when you go out, you'll never worry about going over your limit again!
• Learn how to change the habits which have kept you drinking - it's these invisible habits which you'll learn to identify and REPLACE for the first time... so you can stay in control of your drinking.
• Discover the secret technique used by heavy achievers to get themselves "in the zone" - you'll use this everyday to give you such powerful inner strength... you'll never even WANT to drink!
• How to deal with peer pressure forever! You'll never feel like you have to give in to others when they're out drinking
• The 7 Step Formula you can use to moderate your drinking - so you can choose when and how much to drink - without EVER going over your limits
• How to defeat alcohol cravings forever. You'll learn HOW cravings work to try and tempt you to drink. With this knowledge... you can learn how to resist cravings forever!
• How to have a great social life without drinking - whatever your age, location and situation! There's a whole new world of people waiting to meet you - and they don't care that you don't drink or just drink moderately! Find them now!
• Learn life-long skills you can use so that you can responsibly enjoy your favourite drinks - without going overboard.
• Find out how to develop controlled drinking skills! These will let you enjoy drinking and have fun -without ever going overboard!
• Learn how to find the causes of your drinking - and how to neutralize anything which gets in the way of you having fun when you go out drinking responsibly!
• Discover a former alcoholic's step by step method you can use to stop drinking. One of my experts turned his own life around using this same approach he will be sharing with you

If You Really Want to Stop Drinking Alcohol visit this http://tinyurl.com/9cc4578  

Stream TV On Computer

Many people have to spent a lot of money to pay cable tv's bills, a very expensive bill sometimes makes people decide to stop subscribing to cable tv, even though they still want to watch their favorite tv shows.

Most people do not know the greatness of the Internet today. Now we can watch our favorite tv shows via the Internet, with a good internet connection we can watch your favorite tv shows without having to pay expensive bills. Compare with cable tv, when we are traveling we will not be able to watch our favorite tv shows for cable tv is not a portable device that we can bring anywhere we want.

One of the famous product of satellite tv software is Satellite Direct, we only require a laptop and a good internet connection to watch our favorite TV shows wherever we are. These days we can find many free wifi so we do not even have to pay for anything. This makes satellite tv is a great fit for us who want to get the maximum service at a cheapest price. This software suitable for students on campus that dont have a lot of money to pay for cable tv's bills.

SatelliteDirect™'s software technology taps into more than 3,500 TV channels worldwide right over the Internet. Now you can enjoy more channels than your cable and satellite TV combined for a one-time fee less than one month of your monthly cable bill.

You don't need a satellite dish, receiver or any other equipment to use our software. All you need is a computer and an internet connection. Simply download this software and you are ready to enjoy over 3,500 channels worldwide.

You can watch TV right from your laptop or desktop computer anytime or anywhere in the world. Or connect your computer directly to your TV set

Most people pay for cable tv's bills and internet bills. With this software you only have to pay internet bills, it save you a lot of money. Therefore i suggest you to try Satellite Direct software, and enjoy your day without having to worry with the expensive cable tv bill. I say thank you for taking time to read this short article.

Visit http://tinyurl.com/8sm7cry  to watch your favorite TV Shows directly on your computer!

How to Submit Your Website to Google

Hey guys, this is my first ever post. I want to show you how to submit your website or blog to Google.

Search Engines like Google, Yahoo, bing, and others are a source of traffic for your blog or website, so it is not surprising that there is a way called SEO (Search Engine Optimization). And search engines are the largest source of traffic used by webmasters today. But how can I make a blog to get traffic from search engines? It was easy, learn the SEO knowledge, hehe .. But to learn the  SEO is also required persistence and patience because some people think SEO complex and some are considered easy, depending of us react to it. Well, submit your blog to the search engines is one of the SEO for a webmaster, because by submitting our blog or website to search engines, blog or website then we will be indexed by the search engines as well as all the pages, so we will get visitors due to our many pages are indexed. So, how to easily submit a blog search engine? Easy, go to the url I provided at the bottom and once it gets there, simply enter your blog url and click the submit button provided, then wait a few days until the blog urls indexed in search engines. Okay, here's the address:

Google
http://www.google.com/addurl (indexing is between 2-3 days)